Take a risk, let my feelings show

Another list post… this time my top 20 Neighbours couples of all time

20-11…

20 Didge and Dec – A bit marmite, and I wasn’t sure about them together at first, but James Sorenson and Eloise Mignon had enough spark to make this one work – and once they’d gone through the opposites attract thing, then a teen pregnancy and wedding all the way to tragic death by horse I actually felt sad.
19 Lou and Mishka – Of Lou’s many loves, only three have had ‘it’. One is yet to come, one is Madge (but they worked better when it was the love triangle with them and Harold) and the other is Mishka. Bad Russian accent? Perhaps. But she was still fab.
18 Helen and Reuben – On the Art of Neighbours there was mention of Helen’s unsuitable husbands. Of all of them, only Reuben made the cut. That he was played by her real life husband made it sweeter. And then he died. SOB. And then (later) she died. BAWLS EYES OUT.
17 Stu and Sindi – The way they wrote Sindi out was terrible – a bad portrayal of mental health problems and a bad betrayal of a lovely character. Fortunately, they reunited Sindi with Stu offscreen – because for quite a while they were a very adorable pairing, and they will probably make some very cute kids – although Stu is from the family that produced Mickey, so there’s no guarantee.
16 Lucas and Vanessa – they perhaps appear a bit lower in the countdown than they would have if their whole finance/buying a bunch of property storyline wasn’t so ridiculous. But given Vanessa was clearly a last-minute Emilia replacement, they’ve settled into a great couple and family, both of whom are much more likeable than they first appeared.
15 Pam and Doug – I just hope Brad being back on the street means these two aren’t far behind.
14 Karl and Susan – Heresy! But as much as I love the Kennedys they’re worse than Ross and Rachel for breaking up and reuniting (although clearly they have more chemistry). And I like them together but I also quite like them apart. I quite liked Karl and Izzy and Susan and Alex. And if you like a couple apart as much as you like them together, they just can’t be in the top ten, can they?
13 Philip and Julie – I also loved Phil with Ruth as well but there was something about the poor put upon Phil with his busybody wife that was very Neighbours – he grounded her a bit and she made him less boring. Hannah proved that they should never have been allowed to reproduce, though.
12 Henry and Bronwyn – I liked Melanie and Henry too but Bronwyn and Henry were a much more classic Neighbours match and I keep hoping they might bring them back one of these days (not while Neighbours is as Aryan as at present, mind)
11 Mike and Jane – Had they ended up together in the end, they would have made the top ten. They were destined to be… and then Guy Pearce selfishly went off to be famous and they matched Jane up with Des (NO) and Mark (Bleh) and it was all wrong.

10 Joe and Kerry

She was the hippy single parent daughter of Harold Bishop. He was the blokey single parent son of Mrs Mangel. They fell in love and truly it was an Opposites Attract story for the ages. And then she got shot and it was the saddest thing EVER (/since Daphne died). Let’s just gloss over that weird time Linda Hartley came back as someone working in the coffee shop.

9 Janelle and Steiger

The matriarch of a family of bogan loudmouths. The local cop. ISTR in classic Neighbours style (most expertly demonstrated by Jim Robinson and Dr Beverley Marshall) they hated each other and then fell in love. And then they had a happy ever after. D’aww.

8/7 Paul and Gail; Paul and Rebecca

Most characters have one partner who is their true match and equal. Paul Robinson has two. Of his various ex-wives and lovers, it’s only Gail and Rebecca who were really a match for him. Who could forget the time Paul and Gail got sham-married to impress Mr Udagawa? Or the time Dame Rebecca of the wrap-dress tried to kill her husband? Classic love stories for the ages, folks. I want both of them to come back, maybe just alternating with each other so Paul doesn’t have to choose – just as I can’t choose which I love most.

6 Lou and Cheryl

Damn you, Neighbours producers! Of the 20 couples listed here, seven of them ended in tragedy as one partner died. (Another four split up, and one are Karl and Susan.) I was heartbroken when Karl Kennedy killed Cheryl (another reason he’s not in my top ten) (OK a car did the damage first, but Karl could have saved her) as she was such a great foil for Lou. And I have never forgiven the writers for the Cheryl has an affair whilst kidnapped/’Lolly isn’t Lou’s daughter’ nonsense.

5 Frazer and Rosie

Aww Frosie. The only couple who had a cheesy smooshed together name that actually got used on AoN. Two awesome characters making a super-awesome couple. They were destined to be the new Karl and Susan (except with less divorce). They even had a classic Neighbours fertility issues = magic pregnancy storyline and a horse-related incident AND a Toadie driving disaster. Everything you could possibly want. And then they left. Boooo. Still remembered fondly on AoN, they appeared in many people’s dream casts and everything. But they could only ever come back together, none of this Brad and Beth-style divorcing nonsense for them.

4 Toadie and Sonya

If Frosie could have been the new Karl and Susan, then Toadie and Sonya are probably the new Des’n’Daph. Thanks largely to the performances of Eve Morey and Ryan Moloney they have managed to overcome ridiculous storylines – not least the one about Sonya being Callum’s mother – and make them work. At long last Toadie is not a loser in love and they have real chemistry together and with Callum and Nell, which helps. The new first family of Neighbours? Give it a couple of years or so, and quite possibly.

3 Madge and Harold

They were childhood sweethearts who never were. Then they were a classic Neibs opposites attract pair. Then he died. Then he wasn’t dead. Then she died because everyone Harold has ever loved has died and it’s all so tragic and ridiculous – although if Harold can rise from a watery grave, so can David, Lil and Serena (such a stupid exit). I miss them both so, so much.

2 Scott and Charlene

Scott and Charlene’s wedding was truly the apex of the 80s. The best ever soap wedding bar none and the classic soap young love pairing that all others can only ever dream of being. The big hair! The peach dresses! Angry Anderson! The real-life romance and duet! Perfection. But as much as I loved Donna, the tribute to this wedding when she married Ringo was WRONG. Those two just didn’t come close to the iconic meeting of Ramsays and Robinsons (the offscreen nonsense with Anne Daniels/Robinson and Max Ramsay doesn’t even count because it was ridiculous). In fact not only is this the best soap wedding ever, it’s the best wedding ever. Charles’n’Di, Kate’n’Wills and Posh’n’Becks could only dream of being this iconic.

1 Des and Daphne

I LOVE YOU CLARKEY(S). He was the slightly square bank manager whose fiancee jilted him at the altar thanks to Julie Robinson’s meddling. She was the stripper at his bucks’ party. Shane Ramsay tried to be Mr Daphne for a while but he couldn’t stop the path of true love. Daphne was the proto-Susan/Kerry/Sonya/every do-gooder ever – except with more sass. Des was a proto-Phil/Doug/Robocop type except more loveable. They took in a stray in the form of Mike and set a pattern for Ramsay Street ever since! Daphne gave birth with her clothes on in the bush! They had a baby boy played by a girl! And then Elaine Clarke decided to leave and they killed Daphne off in the saddest TV death ever (only run close by Madge’s but that was diluted by her deathbed companions being, er, Tad and Paul McClain instead of Tom or Max or Henry or Charlene). Everything that happened to Des after that was kind of rubbish and then the scriptwriters shoehorned in that awful Jamie Clarke as a teen storyline that I like to pretend never happened. I’m watching my way through the Neighbours From the Beginning DVDs, and yeah, it was all about the Ramsays and Robinsons, but in the middle of that Des’n’Daph showed that there would be other characters outside of the main families who could be just as loved (it’s a lesson Richard Jasek could learn given his recent axings). It’s lovely seeing them again. Best soap couple ever.

Stop me if you think you’ve heard this one before

Oh BuzzFeed. Not only are you content with being responsible for every other post in my Facebook, you’re also making me obsessed with lists – which is better than being obsessed with the gender imbalance in cinema which is all I seem to blog about these days (except The X Factor and Strictly of course). So my brain has been working in lists for a while – most of which involve Roxette, Neighbours or Doctor Who, naturally.

So here’s the first one: five songs that sound a bit like totally ripped off Roxette. I can’t hear any of these without thinking of the Rox song instead…

Firstly, the two everyone cites.

Savage Garden I Want You, which sounds a bit like

The Look but speeded up (and no I am not going to link to ill-conceived semi-abomination The Look 95 at this point)

Coldplay Paradise, which has a synthy bit somewhat similar to:

Wish I Could Fly.

Then there’s one I’ve mentioned before

MGMT’s Kids

Which has a very speeded up synthy bit that reminds me of the refrain in

I Was So Lucky. Admittedly, this is one requires a bit of the aural equivalent of a squint.

Hall of Fame shamelessly lifts its refrain from

My World, My Love, My Life.

But Tegan and Sara know that if you want to rip something off (I was a Fool)

Then go for the best (Listen to Your Heart)

It’s a shame (my cinema)

Another two-month post? Guess I like watching films more than blogging about them… so perhaps I should aim for shorter commentary on them, especially as I was off work quite a bit this summer so watched a lot…

The Bling Ring was a weird one – the real life story was pretty interesting, but I felt the film never really explained or explored it in much depth, especially some of the relationships between the key characters that seemed intriguing. Maybe that’s the problem with trying to record something so recent where all the participants were so young. I did like the sparkle, it was an interesting meditation on celebrity (and human stupidity), and Emma Watson’s accent, not too bad in The Perks of Being a Wallflower, was awful here. So, a very ho-hum 6/10 kind of film, which sets the tone for a lot of what’s coming.

Monsters University might edge closer to a 7/10 but Monsters, Inc was perhaps my favourite Pixar film so it had a lot to live up to. There’s a perfectly sweet coming-of-age/buddy film here, with some great new characters, but it’s wrapped up in some odd trimmings – the university life is so specifically American it seems a bit alienating given Pixar’s films have previously tried to be at least a bit universal in their appeal – and is university that appealing a concept to kids? Maybe Monsters High School would have been better if they really had to do a prequel. It wasn’t a bad watch, but as to the point of it, that’s a little harder to discern.

Now You See Me was quite surprising – OK, the ending is a bit hokey and they give us too much of an insight into what is ‘behind the curtain’ far too early (like a magic trick, keep your audience guessing) but it was pacey, spectacular in terms of some of its visuals and rather entertaining.

Pacific Rim was also entertaining in places, but it was a bit flawed in terms of story – and only THREE women got lines in the whole film. OK, one of those was a lead, but the other two had a total of three lines between them. There weren’t many women in the background, either. I liked the COOL ROBOTS SMASH scenes, but some people have complained that they’re shot in such a way you can’t always tell which robot is smashing which.

There’s something a bit queasy about the amount of films and TV in 2013 focussing on women being abused, tortured or murdered, and The Frozen Ground isn’t even the only example of those this month. John Cusack continues mining the seam of super-creepy weirdo (as in The Paperboy) to super-creepy effect. Nic Cage wasn’t that annoying. I don’t remember anything that spectacular about this film – other than it feeling kind of wrong when people left the cinema as the victims’ faces/memorials were shown before the credits, this being a true story.

As apocalyptic buddy comedies go, is The World’s End better than This is The End? I’d say the jury is very much out, but I think I’m edging towards siding with the Americans here. OK, this one felt more familiar, because it was British, and some of the jokes and observations were pretty neat, but there were too many issues with it. Firstly, the reveal came far too soon and then the film had nowhere else really to go. Secondly, the lack of women AGAIN. I know there was a female character who was OK but she was the sister of one and love interest of two others. Why do all films insist that friendship is a single-gender thing? TV is much better at replicting mixed-sex groups. PEOPLE ARE FRIENDS WITH PEOPLE OF MULTIPLE GENDERS IN REAL LIFE. WHO THE HELL HANGS OUT JUST WITH PEOPLE OF THE SAME GENDER. UNLESS THEY ARE NINE. Stupid films. I’m so bloody sick of male buddy-buddy-ness. Also, the resolution was TERRIBLE. Totally had no idea that younger Gary was the last-but-one Peter Beale though. And a few nice cameos here and there were fun.

Frances Ha was a bit better in that regard in that she did have male AND female friends. I really liked it – wasn’t sure it needed to be in black and white, but it didn’t put me off too much either (perhaps b&w is a touch pretentious). Greta Gerwig was great and looked so much like someone I know in real life it was unnerving. Not much happened, but that was the point – I thought it portrayed the twenty-something meandering drift quite well and although some might find Frances annoying, I found her quite sympathetic. It could have become a bit too smug but there was enough warmth in it to just keep it on the right side. Lovely film, and the best of July’s bunch by some distance.

The Wolverine wasn’t quite as bad as I thought it would be. For one thing, women have things to do! Like fighting! Hooray! And it was better than Wolverine: Origins. OK, it was too long and the twist too obvious and not a patch on the good X Men films, but it’s more a 5 or 6 than the 2 or 3 I was expecting.

August was a bit better for films than its predecessor, and started out strongly with The Heat. It was a straightforward buddy cop thing, but these can be fun (I liked the 21 Jump Street remake, for example) and whilst it shouldn’t be revolutionary for this genre to be represented by two female leads, it just is. Also: Sandra Bullock was a revelation to me. Girl can do comedy! I love Melissa McCarthy anyway, so I was perfectly satisfied with this. It’s nothing new, it could be funnier, but it was a decent romp and it’s just nice to have films where love doesn’t get in the way. Some of the male characters felt a little weak, although they just about redeemed this with one of the characters. One day, men and women might be represented as equal in a film, but if it happens in my lifetime, it will be a miracle.

I don’t know what to make of Only God Forgives. A friend of mine raved about it, seeing it as much cleverer than Drive, but I wasn’t entirely sold on Drive anyway. Its lighting is probably the best thing about it (same with Drive, actually), creating a really interesting disorienting vibe, but the plot wasn’t much to write home about. Kristin Scott Thomas was a revelation though, playing totally against type. Vithaya Pansringarm owned the film as the corrupt, sadistic cop with a karaoke penchant, and Gosling played his favourite type of hot brooding malcontent. I can see why people hate it, not quite so sure I can see why people love it, but I’m very much on the fence about it. Had some interesting moments, thought a bit too much of itself. Eh.

The first Red film was a surprise and I enjoyed it more than I ever would have expected. Red 2 is essentially soulless and predictable, but it at least wins points for having three women in the lead cast, all of whom get to kick arse, which is more than any of the Expendables films can boast, so as franchises about older people being action heroes go, it at least has something in its favour.

Alan Partridge: Alpha Papa must have been one of the most anticipated films of the year and I know several people have been disappointed. Having thought the trailers pretty poor, I was just relieved that it wasn’t as bad as they were, and it certainly has the edge over The World’s End. Some of it is funny, some poignant, some just too ridiculous. It sails a little close to the Raoul Moat saga in places but just refrains itself from fishing rod/chicken jokes, which is for the best. I liked it, but it doesn’t really stand up with the best of AP. And I swear Alan is lying about his age.

Kick Ass 2 is yet another hyped film that has disappointed people. The first film was really fun and inventive, but like many sequels, this just feels like it’s trying to live on old glories and failing. Indeed, a lot of it felt like a rehash of the plot from the first one. Jim Carrey was really good, despite his flailing about the whole thing. Some of the fights were pretty neat, but there was nothing particularly original here, and many of its points came straight from the big book of superhero film cliches. It’s a shame that something that tried to subvert the genre a bit has just become part of it.

The Conjuring has done really well and it’s easy to see why. It’s a very creepy little horror film, with a good cast and a ‘real life’ hook. It may not be original but it is entertaining and ticks all the relevant boxes. The title is kind of dumb and some of the reveals and climactic scenes are a bit far-fetched, but for a good two-thirds of its length, it does its job well and it’ll be no surprise if more films of its ilk come in its wake.

You can just imagine how Planes came to be. ‘We need another Cars film to sell more toys to boys’. ‘Pixar say a big fat no after everyone hated Cars 2. Besides, there are only so many Lightning McQueens anyone wants.’ ‘I know! Why not make Cars, but with PLANES. That way we can sell even more toys.’ ‘Excellent.’ It’s possibly a bit cynical to see this as a big cash-in in order to sell toys, but not as cynical as the people who made this big cash-in in order to sell toys. I have never seen a straight to DVD Disney film, but I imagine this is what they’re like – look like the previous film, but a bit crappier, with a similar, yet worse, storyline. There are some good bits here: it looks nice, it has three female characters and they’re not all love interests, one of the characters has an interesting back story, it’s very short. But the first third is really, really bad (planes racing is much more boring than cars racing – fortunately they leave the track after this) and the whole thing is very predictable. But it will sell toys, which is all that counts, right?

We’re the Millers is also pretty predictable but it’s a fun variation on the road movie, and Jennifer Aniston is really good in it – in fact, all the leads are really likeable, which helps, because in other hands, it could be terrible. It’s not exactly a revolution in cinema but it’s perfectly decent summer fare.

Jurassic Park on the IMAX! In 3D! What’s not to love? Well, the 3D, because 3D is almost always pointless, and this proves no exception, but it looks great up on the IMAX screen, and whilst some of the effects (and all of the computers) have dated quite a bit, even the shonkiest of effects looks better than the polystyrene rocks in The Hobbit. It’s easy to see why this became the biggest film of all time on its release (I remember it had crazy amounts of merchandise and it was a real phenomenon at the time) – and it’s interesting that it was superceded by Titanic and then by Avatar, when all three are basically films that say people fucking with nature = disaster. Truly, a universal message for our times. All the set pieces look great, but there was a lot more to the story and characters than I remember. And what a TOTAL SHITBAG Richard Attenborough’s character is. By the way, I’ve seen both sequels and remember precisely nothing about either of them. Some (arguably most) films really should be one-offs.

Lovelace has been sold on the premise that it’s a film where you see two versions of the story, with a flip in perspective half way through to turn events on their head. This… isn’t really what happens. We start with the story of how Linda grows up, meets her husband and makes Deep Throat and then it flips to a scene where she is recounting her story to a lie detector – but we don’t rejoin the story at the start, we restart from her wedding and we continue far past the Deep Throat story. Even the scenes that are in both ‘bits’ of the film are not really two tellings of the same story from different perspectives, it’s just that some scenes in the second telling aren’t in the first. Given the first telling of the story is not presented as being one character’s version, or even ‘neutral’ (as if there is such a thing) and Linda is shown as being sometimes uncomfortable in the first half, meaning there is no shock value whatsoever when we see the extra content, nothing artistically is gained from structuring the film this way. To have combined all the scenes into one narrative and made clear it was Linda’s version of the story (bipoics are never neutral anyway) would have sufficed and made a tighter film as a result – although I would have also liked some retelling of what happens in the missing years of the film. Peter Saarsgard and Amanda Seyfried are great as the protagonists, as is Sharon Stone as her mother, and the scenery looks great. Given Lovelace’s famous anti-porn campaigning, I was expecting it to be all YUK, PRON, but it portrays some of the people in the industry favourably, and the second half of the story is much more critical of Linda’s husband than the filmmaking itself. It’s also rather sanitised in how it is depicted (most things are in the dialogue not the visuals) so is unlikely to offend either the pro- or anti- porn camps in that regard. As biopics go, this has nothing on Behind the Candelabra. It needed much better direction, scriptwriting and editing. Disappointing.