I love to hate you

I had a weird experience today.

A few years ago, someone I really admired, whom I’d really seen as a role model and trusted implicitly, turned out to be a liar, a hypocrite and a backstabber. It was amidst some difficult circumstances and I was pretty messy at the time, so I partly understand some of the shitty things they said and did to me, but at the same time, I have always struggled with someone I really admired turning out to be such a hypocrite.

Since I last spoke to that person I’ve veered between blaming myself for what went wrong and being angry at them, but there’s always been a part of me that (despite all logic telling me it takes more than one person to cause issues) believed I failed and things went wrong because of me, in other words, it was all my fault (and possibly the fault of some of the people this other person surrounded themselves with).

I had this person on a pedestal and I thought everyone else saw them that way, too. I thought everyone else thought this person was utterly amazing (and I’m sure many do).

Then I was talking about this, amongst other things, with an old friend today and he said ‘oh my wife and I had some run-ins with that person too so I’m not surprised’. It was strange. I’ve never heard someone else criticise that person, perhaps because at the time I knew them, I had them on too much of a pedestal to even notice their more significant flaws.

I don’t know how I feel that someone else has had issues with them – affronted? Justified? Relieved? Perhaps all of the above. And perhaps just a sense of ‘phew. So it geniunely wasn’t just me that was the problem then’.

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