I can see all obstacles in my way


I have been wearing glasses for five days now because of an eye infection and it’s been so ridiculously awful. I can’t see properly in them (the prescription is fine, but when you are used to wearing lenses, glasses are very, very different because you have no peripheral vision, you can see the frames etc and it’s like seeing th e world through a filter. My ears are also wonky so they sit at an angle on my face) and it has made me feel incapable of doing things like going to the gym, washing up, tidying, driving, working, cooking, concentrating, all the normal stuff of life.

Feeling this disorientated has had the knock-on effect of making me very depressed, stressed and crabby – not to mention the fact that I seem to be coming down with yet another cold after the horrible day wealking round in the cold and rain last week. I also get headaches very easily in glasses. I can’t wait til I put my lenses back in tomorrow but I am also scared that the infection won’t have gone, or that there is something properly wrong with my eyes and I’ll have to wear glasses longer. It sounds really trivial and stupid, but I won’t be able to cope if I have to wear them any longer. I know people do, and it’s normal for them, but it’s very, very hard to adjust when you are used to being able to see, and thus function, normally. Hats off to specs-wearers, you are clearly a thousand times more amazing than me.

I’ve been quite irritable lately because of this (and the weather, and just being tired, and money) and I had a big passive aggressive argument with one of my closest friends today where we finally got out what was annoying us about each other and I *think* we have reached a resolution, which is good, but it worries me when stuff like this happens. Our friendship group is full of people who are scared to do that whole ‘say it to their face’ thing: we all love each other, but everyone has little things about them that wind other people up. However, generally we are all a bit scared to talk to each other about these things, often because we don’t know how to express stuff tactfully and because we know it might upset people, and we don’t want to do that.

It’s a fine line, isn’t it? Do we just put up with the things about other people that annoy us because they’re them, or do we tell them what they do/say is annoying/hurtful/whatever? If we’re honest then maybe things get resolved and people change, but often people can’t change, they are just them, and it just causes barriers or upset. I’m not thinking about the friend I had the fight with today, as I think we just about understand each other well enough to deal with the problem (I hope) but of these kinds of situations in general.

Like everyone, I’ve been passive aggressive and ignored things about people (or hinted at them) and just got more and more annoyed about it and maybe gossiped about it, or been hostile in body language, or silences, or ingracious responses to people. Like everyone I’ve had that happen to me and been made paranoid that they don’t like me or that I’ve done something wrong. Like everyone I have confronted people and then upset them by doing so. Like everyone I have been confronted about things about me and got upset by what they said, generally because I never meant to upset people (I don’t think any of us ever do) sometimes tried to change, but often not been able to.

Does everyone suck at this stuff, or is it just my friendship group? It seems impossible – I guess the key is just to accept the things about others that annoy you, because you know that there is much more about them you like than you don’t like, but sometimes that just causes friction and occasionally it blows up. In the church I used to go to they had this whole deal about being accountable with people but it didn’t seem to make things any better, and some people seemed to just relish in pointing out others’ faults to them – usually the people who couldn’t take it being done to them, and most people are just not able to change who they are fundamentally and just get upset about it.

I guess sometimes people’s ways of living, dealing with things, relaxing, speaking, whatever are just different to each other and we need to acknowledge that. I guess we all need to realise the people around us just are who they are and they can’t be what we want them to be: and that we can’t be what they want us to be either.

Sometimes I’m not convinced humans should interact with each other at all!!!

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